Thought I’d heard it all... | Autism PDD

Kristys, that is not just good advice-that qualifies as true wisdom. Thank
you for a real and new take on dealing with other people. Seriously NT= Neuro-Typical usually applies to people without autism.

BTW, this time I didn't even come up with a comeback later

When I'm asked questions that I find odd/offensive/ignorant, I usually "play dumb" and answer a question with a question, my favorite one being "why do you ask?"

When I was pregnant people would ask the normal when-are-you-due-and-what-are-you-having questions. When I would tell them twin boys, it seemed to cause at least 50% of people to start asking detailed questions about whether I was on fertility drugs, whether it was a high risk pregnancy, etc. This wasn't just from people I knew - I would get this in line at the grocery store. At first this bothered me, and then I started my "why do you ask" routine and I was fascinated by the results. If I got an answer like "I was just curious" I would then say "why?" At that point most people stammer around, don't know what to say, and seem to figure out for themselves that they should cease from asking such inappropriate questions.

If this is someone you know, you might want to ask the "why do you ask question" and eventually get to a "how did you think that question made me feel?" I find that if you tell someone they did something idiotic, they just write you off as being defensive, easily offended, overly sensetive, etc. However if you give them the opportunity to discover for themselves how it feels to be asked uncomfortable questions, they may actually think twice before opening their mouth in the future!

You need to take whatever approach is most comfortable for you, but if this interaction really bothered you, you should address it. Good luck!

Someone Asked me today if I had any regrets about vaccinating my child

This is from a woman who has 2 healthy NT and vaccinated daughters.
What in the world do you say to something like that? We have a few women
friends in common, and live in the same general neighborhood, so I will see
her quite regularly. This comment bothered me more than any of the other
crazy things I have heard before. How would you handle this? I think this is
one I'm going to choose to address.

I hate when people ask or say something and I'm at a loss as to how to resond....then LATER I come up with a great response.....why can't I be quicker ?

I'm not sure what I would have said.....

BTW.....what does NT stand for ? I have seen it in a few posts and not sure what it means.....

I proberly would have replyied " so reading one article in Time magazine makes you an expert on autism ?".

I'm have no patience for people like that.

Yea, reading an article in TIME is so much better than real life experience. I know that I have plenty of doctors voicing their educated opinions, friends w/ kids on the spectrum...I don't need someone giving me that kind of BS...I would just avoid her.

Maybe this person was really just wanting to be educated? When ever someone asks me a question like that I will use it as an opportunity to educate. Sometimes the person appreciates it. Sometimes they don't. If they have to stand and listen to the autism lecture for mere morbid curisosity it will teach them a lesson! Karajab,
The reason it bothered me so much was that I treated her with respect
and answered many questions for her and took time to explain the whole
genetic disposistion thing...and she was just so rude, "That's not what it
said in time magazine! You should probably do more research." and
then "Are you sure you don't have any regrets about anything you might
have done?"

Also, in the same conversation, she said she heard my ex-husband got
the house in our settlement, and "That must bug you"

And she was saying all of this IN FRONT OF MY FOUR YEAR OLD SON

She was really rude, and it seemed more like she was being gossipy and
trying to "get the dirt" , rather than any real interest in autism.
That's why it bugged me so much

Yes that does sound rude and gossipy. No wonder you were upset. Well...I certainly wouldn't be inviting her to any bar-b-ques this summer..LOL

In the future if you do choose to continue talking to her I would be upfront with her and say that you don't appreciate the rudeness and to also keep her comments to herself while your son is around.

Karrie

Aaaahhhh. I have relatives like THAT ...

See, that, "Why do you ask?" approach would force HER to examine and express her motives up front, maybe even edit them a little if she has the sensitivity of a sponge.

What a JERK!

I wouldn't associate with her. Yeah, I don't invite this woman anywhere--unfortunately she is often found
at events I am invited to

I think I've given her enough "air-time" here.
Thanks for the advice, everyone

[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]I agree w/ jdecina - I don't at least from the written take on it believe that she was trying to be mean about it. I think she was just trying to find out your opinion on the vaccine thing. She went about it wrong, but I am awful w/ words, convos w/ new people too.

I like what Kristys said to do though.
[/QUOTE]

I agree -- she was probing for your opinion of vaccination. As the mom of three transracial adoptees (one each from India, Guatemala, and China), I can vouch for the miraculous effect of responding to inappropriately personal questions with "Why do you ask ... ?" !!!!

[QUOTE=MamaKat]Someone Asked me today if I had any regrets about vaccinating my child

Just curious here....What exactly about it bothered you so much? Was it her tone? Her ignorance? Was she rude or cruel when she spoke it or was it a general type of question that she seemed curious about?

The question to me doesn't even seem rude or anything other than curiosity so I would have just answered her honestly. It sometimes bothers me that people don't know as much as I do about Autism but I can't expect everyone to take the interest in it that I do especially if they don't have a child on the spectrum. I think I would have taken the opportunity to not get angry but to educate.

Karrie

Kristy -

Great advice!!!!!

Mama Kat- This is just a suspicion, but I bet this woman didn't mean anything by her question. There is lots of information out there that many parents that have children with autism blame vaccines. Even if she has children who are fully vaccinated, the argument of some is that some children with autism probably had a genetic predisposition to either not be able to handle and excrete the toxins or some immunity issues that caused a problem with the amount of vaccines given at one time. Depending on this woman, and I don't know her, she may have been thinking that she was trying to connect with you and give you an opportunity to vent your concerns over vaccines. She may have mistakenly concluded that all parents of children with autism subscribe to this theory as really that is often how it is portrayed in the media. If it comes up again, and you do not subscribe to this theory you may just want to tell her what you do believe - if you want to share. Although these things are personal, I don't think her comments were meant to be insulting - and you may just want to take the opportunity to educate her that like the general population all parents with children with autism are different and have their own set of beliefs.

I agree w/ jdecina - I don't at least from the written take on it believe that she was trying to be mean about it. I think she was just trying to find out your opinion on the vaccine thing. She went about it wrong, but I am awful w/ words, convos w/ new people too.

I like what Kristys said to do though.

WOW Kristy....

I LOVE your response !! Someitmes I fear that I will get too emotional when I am in that "defense" mode......but your response is so great because it just puts everything back on the other person.....

I love it ! When Erin was first born it was really hard.....I was constatnly asked if the doctors knew " how bad she would be"...." mild...or severe".....grrr........little did I know we'd also have autism to deal with on top of Down syndrome......but my standard response to that question was always " I'll love her no matter what"....which let them know nicley that there question is inappropriate......

[QUOTE=kristys]

When I'm asked questions that I find odd/offensive/ignorant, I usually "play dumb" and answer a question with a question, my favorite one being "why do you ask?"

You need to take whatever approach is most comfortable for you, but if this interaction really bothered you, you should address it. Good luck!

[/QUOTE]

- that is a BRILLIANT way to handle this- Kristy you are pure genius